"I Used To..."

Stumbling across a plot of 20-30 cut trees, I climb and crisscross and then stop to marvel at the sight. It's not always in my nature to marvel, but when I do, it's often amongst nature. A thought struck me like an unshakable proverb saying "Ben, if you can't enjoy this moment, right now, for all its wonder, then you won't be able to enjoy anything else". It is time to start paying attention...

I used to think your bloodline and lineage were what made up your family, but i’ve experienced deep friendships that have become more like family than I could ever imagine. People surrounding me and loving me with a passion that is overwhelming. Most profound experiences are hard to put into words, which is beautiful in and of itself, but expressing words for these moments can still be important. These events have all stemmed from a mysterious sickness that has plagued my body and left me puzzled. Perplexed. Enlightened. The human body is one of the most fascinating things when you truly get to know it. The ins and outs, the arteries, the tracts, the veins, the bones, the brain, the fingers, and so on. The possible conditions your body can experience is just as crazy a list that I won’t even attempt to tackle. But what have I gained? A particular fascination along with a deep appreciation of each moving part, especially when it’s operating “normally”.

From procedures to colonoscopies to doctor visits to specialists, I have also gotten a better glimpse into the medical field and how it operates. If you have had any experience, you’ll know what I mean when I say simply that it can be ‘trying’ at best. The black and white patient-doctor experience I knew for the first 20 or so years has been thrown out the window, and now i've gained a caution in relying on and trusting everything that the doctor provides. Now you must take it into your own hands and press issues where needed to get results. There is insurance to consider which is another beast that has swallowed our country whole. The amount of stories I hear from personal friends going through crisis with their insurance is unbearable and fills me with anger. The injustices that take place each day within the medical realm is unbelievable. People are sick and need to get better. Everyone should be able to receive the care they need and someone who listens without rolling their eyes and passing them off as just another patient with no ‘real’ problem.

When I really step back and reflect, I realize that life comes down to participation. Whether we choose to access our freedom and exercise our human abilities and spiritual capacities, this is where we find meaning. Ignoring a certain issue or brushing something under the rug is NOT participation. We don’t like all these rules and laws set in place ‘controlling’ us, but at the same time, we do not take a step into the circle to consider how we might fit into this mess. The mess is what i’d describe as a glue-like substance that reveals all the intricacies of life, interconnected. We can’t detach them. As much as I want to detach body from spirit, I can’t completely ‘check-out’ from this physical form i’ve been given. Or I suppose I can, which would be my decision to NOT participate, and it’s this choice I see to be the most tragic.

I used to not concern myself with life, but now I believe it’s the participation, the ins and outs and complexities that ultimately make it the most fulfilling experience.

I used to think doing my own taxes and paying my own car insurance were solid proof that I was advancing into adulthood. Now, after experiencing a colonscopy, I see life through a different scope if you will. It's a pain in the ass for sure. It's something I never considered, but I hit life hard. This seems unmistakably attached to adulthood. I also used to think being strong was working out and having a muscular body with not a six, but eight pack to show for. Now, after being sick for an extended stretch, I see it's all in the procedures and endurance. Helpless and drugged, I lie on my side and am in the hands of four medical professionals looking to get to the bottom of a sickness that has yet to be named. There is hope within each soul, and there is hope that lies far beyond any procedure room or ICU. I'd like to think that's where I go when they put me under. Not a place where I forget all the pain, in fact, quite the opposite.

I used to think life was some-thing, but now I realize it's EVERY-thing.

Enough about me though. As if the blog platform is purely for personal output. Nope. It's bigger than that, or it should be at least. Now i’m looking to you, the reader, to continue this post. What is one of your “I used to…” stories. I’d love it if you’d share something in the comments below. Thanks. Peace my friend.