Monday 8 January 2018

SICK

I was reunited with the old two lane highway that I have come to know and love so well. Maria felt the wind in her hair and just today got one of the most glorious showers ever. Rain isn't a word in the California dictionary you see. We've suffered a great deal, Maria and I, because of this. The air is dry. My nose didn't remember what clean air smelled like. My mouth had the taste of blood. The street cleaning was put off far too often and the dirt of life had been accumulating right along with it. It was time to wash my hands. The truth is, i've been in a dark place for months now, and i'm seeking refuge. I'm eager to once again become healthy and active like a regular human again.

Even as I write this my body and head are having fits. I've been to countless walk-in clinics, taken so many drugs, gotten countless tests, all the while being without insurance and stressing over every little thing. I was terrified and concerned for my health which continued to be in decline with no sign of getting better. It was lonely and scary being in a place where no one had a definitive answer of what was wrong, and just trying to survive. Most days I hoped I could just make it to the end and go to sleep, which was the only space I could find rest. Otherwise, life went by in the most depressing fashion, with nothing to show for except pain and anxiety, and no motivation of any sort remained. I lost interest in just about everything. I cut almost all food and drink and was forced to live on an extremely bland diet mostly consisting of bread. I became weak and tired on a regular basis and ended up pushing myself to a place of malnutrition.

This all happened over the course of a couple of months. I got some simple sickness at the end of September and then nothing was really the same after that. Everything became cloudy and it's hard to say exactly what happened, except for a terrible feeling that was foreign to me. With a whole mix of symptoms including trouble breathing, not being able to eat, dizziness, stomach pain, easily getting cold, and many other issues. Some things were in my head, and some of my responses to my sickness weren't the best, or more so how I tried to remedy it I suppose. I know very little, and I'm continually reminded that I have so much to freaking learn. The simple lesson of something taking TIME, well, that wasn't message I had patience for. As un-productive as these last couple months have felt, I can look back and see many positives that came from the sickness. It was an extreme wake up call, and continues to be so to this day.

Ah yes, this day, as I was saying. It rained today, in Alabama, which is where I surprisingly ended up. Actually, it was a big surprise for my mother who was not made aware of my adventure plans to drive across country to see her. Twenty-Eight hours I banged out in a few days and voila, like magic, I arrived at my destination. Although, I believe I began arriving before I even left. Seeing my family in person was certainly a key factor, but also coming back to being myself, which has been an extremely slow journey. But over the Christmas break I spent much time with a friend of mine who helped bring me back to life and get the blood flowing again. She and I were stuck with nothing to do and no one to be with over the holidays, and so we found refuge in being in the same boat. Because of this, I had quite the memorable Christmas and New Year, even amongst all the sickness and chaos. I moved out of the little one-room apartment and began to clear my head of all the dust.

I can honestly say I feel so much better, but at the same time, not everything has gone back to normal. Maybe it never will, I'm not exactly sure. But what is for sure is that I am more than ever interested in investing in relationships. We must help each other through these times or I believe we will wither away. For me I gained new relationships, but at the same time I began reflecting and appreciating all of the AMAZING friendships and family I already have. Sure they're spread all over the world, but they're there. I feel their love and support in my life on a daily basis. At some moments of complete weakness, someone's voice on the other line was what I needed to hear to keep going. And isn't it that simple sometimes? People just being THERE. We worry about saying the right things and supporting someone, but why not just be present with someone and I believe you can sort the rest out from there. I know I couldn't have survived without the people I have in my life.

As I say this, there are people in far worse conditions than myself, and they are truly withering away. Whether it's a sickness, a loneliness, an addiction, a broken family, or perhaps a lack of food and shelter. We are all silently screaming out in our own way. I just hope we can be more honest with each other for one, and I hope that we can start listening and helping one another. Quite frankly i'm tired of it, of being independent and being a part of a culture that is so disconnected. I don't know how much good our bodies are if we have no heartbeat. Everything slowly ceases to function and what's left is an empty shell. Please, if you're reading this, don't wither away and don't resort to the dark places. I'm here if you want to talk. No one deserves to deal with things completely on their own.

I hope we can open ourselves up more. In this way I believe the pain won't be so severe. The pain will still be there, and I don't believe there is a magical formula for removing that, in fact, it appears to play an important role. But at the same time, we need help, and what a great feeling to be able to lift one another up. To throw away all stereotypes and all the shit and all the superficial crap and the pride and everything else and look someone in the eye and say "I'm here". (I love you)

*please don't freak out over my depressing beginning detailing my difficulties. Things have become much better and i'm in a better place (sounds like I died haha). But seriously, i'm just grateful for all the support and I share this personal story only to provide hope for people and to be more honest about my life struggles.