"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Galatians 5:22
The idea of doing a blog does not interest me mostly due to the fact that my personal thoughts and experiences are shared with the general public. As a more reserved person, this is not something that attracts me, but like many others I've come across I have a longing for release. A release of these ideas and thoughts that fill my head on a regular basis and slowly become toxic when left to just sit there. I believe there is a purpose and importance to these thoughts. If nothing else they can be shared maybe not for anyone else but your own benefit of releasing them. That said, there are so many outlets for people to share their opinions that it feels things have gotten out of hand, but that must not deter us from sharing. The healthiness of writing my life journey attracts me to such a degree that I have decided to follow through with this blogging process, perhaps just as an experiment.
Don't lose yourself within yourself, I warn you. It's a typical practice of mine, or habit, that I am attempting to break. Paranoia takes control of me and takes me for a ride, having a hayday with any possible danger in my surroundings. Many times I have contemplated why I make such a big deal of these minor events. That's when I discovered that a microscope has been installed in my cranium. The installation was so easy that I was able to do it myself, although I can't seem to get great focus with it. A cheap microscope it may be, it does a fantastic job at magnifying my daily concerns. Boy do the small things appear much larger than they ever should, it's really something.
__I hate this microscope found in a microscopic heart that has made a reservation for one. Lonely feasts where camouflaged beasts serve the special twenty-four seven. A dish compromised of sinful pleasures that make you feel as if you're on top of the world. The best part, from a business perspective, is that the meal does not actually fill the consumer. This, of course, has them quickly coming back for seconds, thirds, and so on. All this because of a small device used to make large very small objects. Show and tell has sadly become one man or woman simply showing up. But what of our sponsor for this presentation? Do dogs appreciate the bone being thrown or the thrower? Who knows, for it is an animal. I fear any comparison to a human reveals our animalistic nature, but hardly shows our purpose. Besides, weren't we discussing microscopes?__
One example happened just recently on my travels to the east coast of Australia. Traveling and camping are adventures that I love to partake in, but with them come many unknowns. For instance, when you are out in the middle of nowhere or stuck on an island and something life threatening happens, what do you do? Sometimes for me it's just the pure fact of being out of my comfort zone and not knowing what will come out of the situation. I found myself on Fitzroy Island, enjoying a beautiful afternoon with a beautiful group of people, thinking I'd like to venture off on my own for a little bit. Not much was happening at the moment with everyone, perfect time for exploration and alone time. Long story short, I cut myself on coral out in the water when I was exploring. No big deal, right? Well it shouldn't be made into a big deal, but you know that cheap microscope always comes through. Fear quickly rushes in as I realize that these types of cuts can easily become infected and that I am on an island that is completely unfamiliar to me. As I hobble back to the campsite the thoughts begin to stir, "of course this would happen to me, of all people, i'm the one that worries the most already and now look at this cut that is cause for legitimate concern". 'Why me?' What a classic line used by humans, as if the world revolves around us. I'm afraid this example is just one of many where I blew things completely out of proportion and thought of this tiny event as being the catalyst for the end of the world. I discovered a tick burrowed in my skin when I landed in Hawaii a couple months back. Not knowing when this tick might have first attached itself, it no doubt took place in back in Connecticut. First thought, of course, is lyme disease. My mind could win a medal in athleticism for the lengths it jumps to. Funny these two particular incidences occurred on an island, rest assured I have the same fears on mainland as well.
This all stems from my brokenness as a human being, since we were born into sin and deal with the affects of it to this day. I am not perfect. Let me repeat myself for those that may also own a microscope of their own, I am NOT perfect. Some of my flaws i'm not even presently aware of, but the ones I can think of trouble me greatly. Not because of what it may look like to others as much, although that can come into play, but more because of how it can build a barrier between me and God. I have been overwhelmed recently with this feeling of being spiritually dead inside. If every small event in my life is made to be not only bigger than it should be, it can easily take up all the air time that fills my mind on a daily basis. If this is the case, then there is hardly room for anything else or anyONE else.
I put that verse up at the top because I was in the middle of reading Galatians and this small verse struck me. One i've read before, but this time two words stuck out in bold, 'self-control'. This is something I fear I do not have. Many things that I do, I do to an unhealthy level, and they take away from me and God time. You could argue that my priorities are not straight, and I would completely agree with you. That is, most of the time it seems that way, with the occasional wake up call that I need God desperately. I say I'll change my bad habits on a regular basis. Ironically, me saying this has become a bad habit in and of itself. Talk is cheap they say. Sometimes I'm so lost in the clouds that I don't even understand what my bad habits are, because my microscope brain is only able to identify one or two possible threats at once. It's a dangerous place to be in when you are alone in your thoughts and let things settle for too long. The time is, and has always been, NOW.
As I reflect upon my past behaviour and where I need to make changes, I understand that I can't do this on my own. That's part of the reason I want to try a public journal, because I recognize the importance of prayer and community. There is a Power beyond me that has given me a sweet gift of life. What we choose to do can mean life or death. The darkness in my mind has spent far too much time and it is way past checkout. I'm sick and tired of thinking purely for myself and what I can get out of life. Death of oneself is the only way to true LIFE.
More to come.
Peace,
~Benjamin
