Passing by the crowds, couldn’t help but yell out loud, rape in the first degree.It’s non-consensual, big softies for a hard drive, driving Siri crazy with ourConstant questioning. Pissing ourselves silly with power in our pocket, clearlyOver-compensating for something. Is that a smartphone in your hands or areYou just unhappy to see me? Parents provide an otter box for protection aschildren slide their fingers deep down, and back up again, salivating at the soundOf notes and moans bellowed from below. Not knowing the ropes for the sails onThis boat. Sea men and women cry alike as a wave of lost souls capsize the ship.Shit, the flip phone kept us more afloat than this stream on the down low weDownload with nothing to say when services render and it’s time to pay. DelayedGratification like a whorehouse an hour away. Wifi died, so slow, panties up in aBunch on the floor. Give it to me or i’ll make a scene for the credits of this porno.Blow the whole thing out of proportion with emotion and emoticons and strapOn the breastplate of self-righteousness. Dexterous delinquents waiver withThe task at hand...Jobs all macabre to the degenerative generation turned on by robots.
Friday 2 November 2018
Pocket Fucker
Tuesday 5 June 2018
Knowledge is Power...ful
Anxiety, depression, plaguing us completely un-announced. Not very polite. It is an animal that feeds, most of the time without us even realizing it. Just as we feed off of information, it too will do the same, but it will twist it and wring it out until there's not a single drop left. Our culture's idea of an education is skewed, which results in stressful lifestyles that ironically will lead to both anxiety and depression. And for what purpose? To advance us as a nation? Or to puff ourselves up to showcase biceps not made of steel, but air? Obtaining and researching and absorbing information is crucial, but what we do with that information is just as important.
For myself, I recognize that I will get various "highs" from information, but just as alcohol gives me that initial buzz, it slowly filters into a self-destructive state. I'm like all the rest, jumped on the bandwagon of "podcasts" and I love it. I'll throw them on and listen whilst doing other simple tasks and chores throughout the day. It's nice, it's peaceful, and it feels like a purpose-filled way to use my time and do a bit of multi-tasking. I can wash dishes AND learn about how my brain works, or what others are doing with their lives, how novel. The danger comes when I obtain said information through my ear, only to be relinquished through my mouth later on to impress someone or give a false appearance. In the end, the dishes don't fully get washed, and I am sadly none the wiser. Hours later though, if you were to ask, I'd say I had quite the productive afternoon. Sometimes it's not even a problem of misusing the information, but simply not obtaining in the first place. I receive it one ear, it skips past the mouth, and goes right on out the other ear. Like drinking something I like the taste of only to spit it back out, never really consuming anything.
Let us learn from Willy Wonka, who introduced the idea of a land where everything was edible. It's a magical idea, no doubt, but it doesn't actually seem that far off from reality. Everything surrounding us has a way of being consumed in one way or another. And we'd be lying if we said we didn't have a little Augustus Gloop in us, always leaning towards that chocolate river. Hell, it looks good. Who can say no to chocolate? It naturally has caffeine that we could use as energy to move forward, but if made into say, a brownie, iit will promote lethargy and become counter-productive. Enlightened thinkers down the line rarely made note of their own knowledge or success, instead they used it as fuel for discoveries and cures and they constantly wrestled with the fact that there was always more to learn.
It's a wonderful truth really, that there's always more to learn, more to gather and more to acheive. We can't escape this nor should we try. But moving forward and progress are important actions we can all seem to agree on. The method and mode of this, just as our educational system or government could suggest, is a bit skewed. Who's to say what moving forward really looks like? In Bill Bryson's book 'A Short History of Nearly Everything', he details, well, a little buit of everything from the past all the way to the present. Remarkably and humorously, he comes to the conclusion, despite all of the information we've obtained, that we don't actually know very much. "The fact is, there is a great deal, even at quite a fundamental level, that we don't know - not least what the universe is made of. When scientists calculate the amount of matter needed to hold things together, they always come up desperately short. It appears that at least 90 percent of the universe , and perhaps as much as 99 percent, is composed of Fritz Zwicky's 'Dark Matter' - stuff that is by nature is invisible to us. It is slightly galling to think that we live in a universe that for the most part we can't even see, but there you are". And here we are, moving forward, or so we'd say. I'm afraid remark could use a little perspective.
Hardly am I trying to argue against all the progress that has been made down the line, but again, what we do with information and/progress can be just as important as the thing itself. But acknowledging that we don't understand everything can be a helpful platform in and of itself. For in this way we are less likely to fool ourself and become delusional in thought and action. This can happen on a grand scale and also a minute one. A belief of superiority and "correct" thinking over another country can lead to war. Meanwhile, the belief that a red dot on my arm is most certainly proof of a rare disease that must be eradicated for me to get back to 'status quo'. Our bodies, and i'd say our minds, are always working to acheive homeostasis. This balance is important for our survival. If we consume what is around us, absorb the nutrients, and then actively pursue further working off of what we have ingested to better the people around us, and also to take care of ourselves, we're certainly moving forward by my definition.
When we tap into this world we don't understand, we might be all too shocked what comes out of it. Hang in there, it's all too shocking for me too. But I'd never want to dis-illusion myself otherwise. When introduced with a powerful force, there will no doubt be trembling and resitance. We must all work together in moving forward and acknowledging that we don't fully understand everything. In our personal doubts and fears, may this give us peace, and may we find rest in not knowing or having complete control. For knowledge is power...ful.
For myself, I recognize that I will get various "highs" from information, but just as alcohol gives me that initial buzz, it slowly filters into a self-destructive state. I'm like all the rest, jumped on the bandwagon of "podcasts" and I love it. I'll throw them on and listen whilst doing other simple tasks and chores throughout the day. It's nice, it's peaceful, and it feels like a purpose-filled way to use my time and do a bit of multi-tasking. I can wash dishes AND learn about how my brain works, or what others are doing with their lives, how novel. The danger comes when I obtain said information through my ear, only to be relinquished through my mouth later on to impress someone or give a false appearance. In the end, the dishes don't fully get washed, and I am sadly none the wiser. Hours later though, if you were to ask, I'd say I had quite the productive afternoon. Sometimes it's not even a problem of misusing the information, but simply not obtaining in the first place. I receive it one ear, it skips past the mouth, and goes right on out the other ear. Like drinking something I like the taste of only to spit it back out, never really consuming anything.
Let us learn from Willy Wonka, who introduced the idea of a land where everything was edible. It's a magical idea, no doubt, but it doesn't actually seem that far off from reality. Everything surrounding us has a way of being consumed in one way or another. And we'd be lying if we said we didn't have a little Augustus Gloop in us, always leaning towards that chocolate river. Hell, it looks good. Who can say no to chocolate? It naturally has caffeine that we could use as energy to move forward, but if made into say, a brownie, iit will promote lethargy and become counter-productive. Enlightened thinkers down the line rarely made note of their own knowledge or success, instead they used it as fuel for discoveries and cures and they constantly wrestled with the fact that there was always more to learn.
It's a wonderful truth really, that there's always more to learn, more to gather and more to acheive. We can't escape this nor should we try. But moving forward and progress are important actions we can all seem to agree on. The method and mode of this, just as our educational system or government could suggest, is a bit skewed. Who's to say what moving forward really looks like? In Bill Bryson's book 'A Short History of Nearly Everything', he details, well, a little buit of everything from the past all the way to the present. Remarkably and humorously, he comes to the conclusion, despite all of the information we've obtained, that we don't actually know very much. "The fact is, there is a great deal, even at quite a fundamental level, that we don't know - not least what the universe is made of. When scientists calculate the amount of matter needed to hold things together, they always come up desperately short. It appears that at least 90 percent of the universe , and perhaps as much as 99 percent, is composed of Fritz Zwicky's 'Dark Matter' - stuff that is by nature is invisible to us. It is slightly galling to think that we live in a universe that for the most part we can't even see, but there you are". And here we are, moving forward, or so we'd say. I'm afraid remark could use a little perspective.
Hardly am I trying to argue against all the progress that has been made down the line, but again, what we do with information and/progress can be just as important as the thing itself. But acknowledging that we don't understand everything can be a helpful platform in and of itself. For in this way we are less likely to fool ourself and become delusional in thought and action. This can happen on a grand scale and also a minute one. A belief of superiority and "correct" thinking over another country can lead to war. Meanwhile, the belief that a red dot on my arm is most certainly proof of a rare disease that must be eradicated for me to get back to 'status quo'. Our bodies, and i'd say our minds, are always working to acheive homeostasis. This balance is important for our survival. If we consume what is around us, absorb the nutrients, and then actively pursue further working off of what we have ingested to better the people around us, and also to take care of ourselves, we're certainly moving forward by my definition.
When we tap into this world we don't understand, we might be all too shocked what comes out of it. Hang in there, it's all too shocking for me too. But I'd never want to dis-illusion myself otherwise. When introduced with a powerful force, there will no doubt be trembling and resitance. We must all work together in moving forward and acknowledging that we don't fully understand everything. In our personal doubts and fears, may this give us peace, and may we find rest in not knowing or having complete control. For knowledge is power...ful.
Wednesday 18 April 2018
Swimming the English Channel With Foreign Subtitles
I can't help but notice a soul decrepit
These things we call normal rarely ever fit
Laces I loop like all of the rest
People lacking shoes most certainly protest
My lack of awareness and understanding
Causing words that jump without ever landing
The laces I tie always so loose
Two bunny ears each wrapped up like a noose
Tripping and stumbling I reach for a handle
Such a small world does not hold a candle
To the one at large we shoo like a fly
Wafting a scent, our ears close our eyes
A call to arms is what some suggest
Consciously i'm subconscious at best
Thoughts like t-shirts we try on for size
Matching our soles wrapped up so tight
Laughter trickles down and out through my nose
Counting the cons while rattling prose
A blow to the noggin might make one concussed
Divisive issues are symptoms to discuss
Joked to be only the setting on a washer
The mismatched clothes all end up in the water
So our feet will march to a brand new tune
Not saying a word, but embodying truth.
A blow to the noggin might make one concussed
Divisive issues are symptoms to discuss
Joked to be only the setting on a washer
The mismatched clothes all end up in the water
So our feet will march to a brand new tune
Not saying a word, but embodying truth.
Saturday 14 April 2018
Streams pt II
"Pals With Pollack?"
Couldn't say if I was born or dropkicked into a humorously small world. If you believe
in such things as a higher being, or creator, I would like to call him the painter.
Naming things I don't understand helps me process through life. Disconnecting
helps me believe I can "get by", while in fact, I'm just dismembering flesh and
blood from the body of existence. Not noting each brush stroke limits my ability
to get to know said painter. The idea of a personal relationship is so absurd and
yet the majority of the population would profess it as a reality. The reality
is that this humorously small world is not actually that small. The dimensions
of this painting aren't measurable. We are constantly born and dropkicked.
__________________________________________________________________
"Filling the Jello Mold"
Cracks in the pavement like our "constant" belief system which we believe in and of itself
is solid. Belief systems and religion don't placate. The cracks are veins proving we
exist. Of course you're going to contradict yourself a week later, or maybe even
the next day. If we try to avoid even contradiction, then the pavement we walk
on becomes jello. Even religion can turn into a self-absorbed side show that takes
the Lord's name in vain. Don't think you're the only one. The weight of all humans
rests on this holy floor. We walk amongst angels and yet we do pop-up circus shows
pointing to clowns. We have a case of high sensitivity and absolute fear.
Couldn't say if I was born or dropkicked into a humorously small world. If you believe
in such things as a higher being, or creator, I would like to call him the painter.
Naming things I don't understand helps me process through life. Disconnecting
helps me believe I can "get by", while in fact, I'm just dismembering flesh and
blood from the body of existence. Not noting each brush stroke limits my ability
to get to know said painter. The idea of a personal relationship is so absurd and
yet the majority of the population would profess it as a reality. The reality
is that this humorously small world is not actually that small. The dimensions
of this painting aren't measurable. We are constantly born and dropkicked.
__________________________________________________________________
"Filling the Jello Mold"
Cracks in the pavement like our "constant" belief system which we believe in and of itself
is solid. Belief systems and religion don't placate. The cracks are veins proving we
exist. Of course you're going to contradict yourself a week later, or maybe even
the next day. If we try to avoid even contradiction, then the pavement we walk
on becomes jello. Even religion can turn into a self-absorbed side show that takes
the Lord's name in vain. Don't think you're the only one. The weight of all humans
rests on this holy floor. We walk amongst angels and yet we do pop-up circus shows
pointing to clowns. We have a case of high sensitivity and absolute fear.
Wednesday 4 April 2018
"I Used To..."
Stumbling across a plot of 20-30 cut trees, I climb and crisscross and then stop to marvel at the sight. It's not always in my nature to marvel, but when I do, it's often amongst nature. A thought struck me like an unshakable proverb saying "Ben, if you can't enjoy this moment, right now, for all its wonder, then you won't be able to enjoy anything else". It is time to start paying attention...
I used to think your bloodline and lineage were what made up your family, but i’ve experienced deep friendships that have become more like family than I could ever imagine. People surrounding me and loving me with a passion that is overwhelming. Most profound experiences are hard to put into words, which is beautiful in and of itself, but expressing words for these moments can still be important. These events have all stemmed from a mysterious sickness that has plagued my body and left me puzzled. Perplexed. Enlightened. The human body is one of the most fascinating things when you truly get to know it. The ins and outs, the arteries, the tracts, the veins, the bones, the brain, the fingers, and so on. The possible conditions your body can experience is just as crazy a list that I won’t even attempt to tackle. But what have I gained? A particular fascination along with a deep appreciation of each moving part, especially when it’s operating “normally”.
From procedures to colonoscopies to doctor visits to specialists, I have also gotten a better glimpse into the medical field and how it operates. If you have had any experience, you’ll know what I mean when I say simply that it can be ‘trying’ at best. The black and white patient-doctor experience I knew for the first 20 or so years has been thrown out the window, and now i've gained a caution in relying on and trusting everything that the doctor provides. Now you must take it into your own hands and press issues where needed to get results. There is insurance to consider which is another beast that has swallowed our country whole. The amount of stories I hear from personal friends going through crisis with their insurance is unbearable and fills me with anger. The injustices that take place each day within the medical realm is unbelievable. People are sick and need to get better. Everyone should be able to receive the care they need and someone who listens without rolling their eyes and passing them off as just another patient with no ‘real’ problem.
When I really step back and reflect, I realize that life comes down to participation. Whether we choose to access our freedom and exercise our human abilities and spiritual capacities, this is where we find meaning. Ignoring a certain issue or brushing something under the rug is NOT participation. We don’t like all these rules and laws set in place ‘controlling’ us, but at the same time, we do not take a step into the circle to consider how we might fit into this mess. The mess is what i’d describe as a glue-like substance that reveals all the intricacies of life, interconnected. We can’t detach them. As much as I want to detach body from spirit, I can’t completely ‘check-out’ from this physical form i’ve been given. Or I suppose I can, which would be my decision to NOT participate, and it’s this choice I see to be the most tragic.
I used to not concern myself with life, but now I believe it’s the participation, the ins and outs and complexities that ultimately make it the most fulfilling experience.
I used to think doing my own taxes and paying my own car insurance were solid proof that I was advancing into adulthood. Now, after experiencing a colonscopy, I see life through a different scope if you will. It's a pain in the ass for sure. It's something I never considered, but I hit life hard. This seems unmistakably attached to adulthood. I also used to think being strong was working out and having a muscular body with not a six, but eight pack to show for. Now, after being sick for an extended stretch, I see it's all in the procedures and endurance. Helpless and drugged, I lie on my side and am in the hands of four medical professionals looking to get to the bottom of a sickness that has yet to be named. There is hope within each soul, and there is hope that lies far beyond any procedure room or ICU. I'd like to think that's where I go when they put me under. Not a place where I forget all the pain, in fact, quite the opposite.
I used to think life was some-thing, but now I realize it's EVERY-thing.
Enough about me though. As if the blog platform is purely for personal output. Nope. It's bigger than that, or it should be at least. Now i’m looking to you, the reader, to continue this post. What is one of your “I used to…” stories. I’d love it if you’d share something in the comments below. Thanks. Peace my friend.
I used to think your bloodline and lineage were what made up your family, but i’ve experienced deep friendships that have become more like family than I could ever imagine. People surrounding me and loving me with a passion that is overwhelming. Most profound experiences are hard to put into words, which is beautiful in and of itself, but expressing words for these moments can still be important. These events have all stemmed from a mysterious sickness that has plagued my body and left me puzzled. Perplexed. Enlightened. The human body is one of the most fascinating things when you truly get to know it. The ins and outs, the arteries, the tracts, the veins, the bones, the brain, the fingers, and so on. The possible conditions your body can experience is just as crazy a list that I won’t even attempt to tackle. But what have I gained? A particular fascination along with a deep appreciation of each moving part, especially when it’s operating “normally”.
From procedures to colonoscopies to doctor visits to specialists, I have also gotten a better glimpse into the medical field and how it operates. If you have had any experience, you’ll know what I mean when I say simply that it can be ‘trying’ at best. The black and white patient-doctor experience I knew for the first 20 or so years has been thrown out the window, and now i've gained a caution in relying on and trusting everything that the doctor provides. Now you must take it into your own hands and press issues where needed to get results. There is insurance to consider which is another beast that has swallowed our country whole. The amount of stories I hear from personal friends going through crisis with their insurance is unbearable and fills me with anger. The injustices that take place each day within the medical realm is unbelievable. People are sick and need to get better. Everyone should be able to receive the care they need and someone who listens without rolling their eyes and passing them off as just another patient with no ‘real’ problem.
When I really step back and reflect, I realize that life comes down to participation. Whether we choose to access our freedom and exercise our human abilities and spiritual capacities, this is where we find meaning. Ignoring a certain issue or brushing something under the rug is NOT participation. We don’t like all these rules and laws set in place ‘controlling’ us, but at the same time, we do not take a step into the circle to consider how we might fit into this mess. The mess is what i’d describe as a glue-like substance that reveals all the intricacies of life, interconnected. We can’t detach them. As much as I want to detach body from spirit, I can’t completely ‘check-out’ from this physical form i’ve been given. Or I suppose I can, which would be my decision to NOT participate, and it’s this choice I see to be the most tragic.
I used to not concern myself with life, but now I believe it’s the participation, the ins and outs and complexities that ultimately make it the most fulfilling experience.
I used to think doing my own taxes and paying my own car insurance were solid proof that I was advancing into adulthood. Now, after experiencing a colonscopy, I see life through a different scope if you will. It's a pain in the ass for sure. It's something I never considered, but I hit life hard. This seems unmistakably attached to adulthood. I also used to think being strong was working out and having a muscular body with not a six, but eight pack to show for. Now, after being sick for an extended stretch, I see it's all in the procedures and endurance. Helpless and drugged, I lie on my side and am in the hands of four medical professionals looking to get to the bottom of a sickness that has yet to be named. There is hope within each soul, and there is hope that lies far beyond any procedure room or ICU. I'd like to think that's where I go when they put me under. Not a place where I forget all the pain, in fact, quite the opposite.
I used to think life was some-thing, but now I realize it's EVERY-thing.
Enough about me though. As if the blog platform is purely for personal output. Nope. It's bigger than that, or it should be at least. Now i’m looking to you, the reader, to continue this post. What is one of your “I used to…” stories. I’d love it if you’d share something in the comments below. Thanks. Peace my friend.
Friday 16 March 2018
Hibernation
A few brief pieces written during these cold winter mornings...
"Embers Soft Glow"
Winter cold. Crystal lake.
Mood the same, in the wake.
Footsteps covered by fresh snow.
Fire fades out, embers soft glow.
Trudging through the once lush valley.
Tales of peace told, like ancient memories.
Songs echo through makeshift cathedrals.
Chils up the spine, threading the needle.
Weaving together a blood-stained sweater.
Awaiting a flame, to truly know better.
Nice ideas don't make much a dwelling.
There's no business in what i'm selling.
Feelings float, fingers cold.
Waiting to fill, the creative mold.
____________________________________________________________________________
"White Fluffy Branches"
To walk. To travers, To see with your own two eyes the mystery
and simplicity fused together making a spectacle for audiences everywhere.
Arms stretching out like branches, awaiting blood to
flow through the veins for comfort.
But instead, snow decided to fall which brought comfort with a new complexion.
The branches coated with what i'd call that white fluffy stuff, or snow,
but really it's a sort of answer to prayer.
To be in the midst of it all, only then might we see things for what they are.
The audience claps and critiques even though they don't
fully understand the gravity of this white fluffy stuff.
The complexity.
It's subtle whisperings reminding us not matter hard we try,
we are out of control.
_______________________________________________________________________
"Proton Pump Inhibitors"
Sometimes it is the invisible that have the most powerful effect on us.
A piece of the puzzle tucked away in our naivety and ignorance.
An underlying cause we never quite considered.
A social gathering with pre-conceived notions going
into it will inevitably turn out how you expect.
But you experience can be separate from the substance itself.
Your believe system and ideas could be contributing to a form of malabsorption.
Where even the nutrients of healthy living are not supporting
your body because there is a blockage.
We've been taught to show caution and exercise beliefs from a young age,
but too of that in one direction of fear or bitterness can limit us to a
weak state of living.
_____________________________________________________________________
"Not Past Infant Stage"
Masticating and consuming what would best be described as baby formula.
Mash with no taste.
I viewed a futuristic sci-fi film where the humans
ate a gravy-like substance from four separate trays.
Mayby this is what it will come to.
Maybe we're already there.
Maybe we never actually get very far.
The words of caution from our parents don't fully absorb and
we wind up with insecure taste buds.
We don't bother to learn too much and consequently
we steal lifestyles from our closest neighbor.
We work so hard to not "feel" things and tragically we can be successful.
But when there's no taste, no feel, life loses all substance.
It leaves you waddling and crawling around aimlessly, grabbing
and chewing anything you see because you don't know any better.
Friday 2 March 2018
Control Nervosa
It's out of our control...
These words pierce through the most weighted measurements and yet don't satisfy our quench for the this substance of knowledge we abuse as power. The numbers of Pi go on into infinity, and still, we simplify it and use it in terms we can work with (3.14). This infinity not graspable, not obtained, not able to be bottled up and stored for the harsh winter months. As Col. Nathan R. Jessep yells at Lt. Daniel Kaffee in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!". These words might pierce just as the introduction statement tends to if you really stop to reflect upon it. Often times life brings us back to the theme of control. How much we strive for it and keep hitting a wall because we have so little. Control has the appearance of a delectable slice of aged gouda or wedge of brie, and it whispers through the hallways of our rat tunnels, offering a way out of the maze.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe in control. Scoffing at others' desperate attempts to hold on to any ounce would be purely hypocritical. Rarely do we access our fullest potential or even understand it unless put through a life-altering situation. The truth is that one could not say with certainty how they would respond to an event if only looking from the outside. Human beings are far too complex and we don't pay our minds enough credit. The layers within in the cranium each have a name and hold a purpose. At the base is our natural instinct which we possess as a means of basic survival. We are capable of full blown imaginations and creations and fantastical things, while at the same time being capable of destruction and violence. I don't believe we can separate the two, saying that some people are bound to be inventors and others are just criminals. No, that's getting off too easy. Each individual's mind has access to a PHD of knowledge with a bachelor's in chaos.
Knowledge and chaos can both be twisted into control, or at least used to create the simulation of control, when in fact the mark itself is never really met. We miss the mark quite often, but not because we have bad aim, it's because we're aiming at the wrong thing. We are focusing on the wrong thing. We hear the whispers of control and it guides us into unspeakable acts, ones of torture and humiliation and anger and revenge. After World War II, young German soldiers were forced by the Allies to remove their own landmines, in an epic display of "power". The various generals in charge went to great lengths to make the soldier's lives a living hell. Humans treating other humans as not human, and for what? The slightest ounce of control? Some skewed belief that we were put in this world to dominate and hold the greatest position? Or maybe we're just interested in a stable position.
In 1971 a Stanford psychologist performed an experiment which aimed to simulate the experience of prison life and how people respond to an institution. The experiment, known as the "The Stanford Prison Experiment", became famous after being shut down prematurely due to things getting out of hand. Twenty-four students were chosen, out of seventy applicants, and were told they would be paid a daily amount to participate in this two week long experiment. Half of them would assume the role as prisoner, while the other half would play the guards. The rules and guidelines were laid out from the beginning, to make sure no one got hurt and that everyone was on the same page, but quickly it became its own beast. The human potential showed its ugly side and unleashed a disturbing six days of chaos, with very little control. Each participant had their own angle with the project. Some of the kids playing guards got so into it that they abused the prisoners, and when pushed into a corner, the 'prisoners' fought back. These kids were thrown into a life-altering situation and the results that followed speak volumes on human nature. That's not to mention the psychologist behind the experiment who let the whole thing take place, even while it slowly got dark. The kids fought for their survival, for their stability, for power, and ultimately for control. Especially once they realized how little control and supervision they had, it escalated into a jungle.
I stated it before, but again, who's to say we wouldn't do the same thing if put in that situation? You can recognize the complexity of this question if it's turned toward your own personal experience. Have you ever been at ends with a co-worker? Have you been in a situation where you felt threatened? Maybe the doctor gave a heart crushing diagnosis. What did you do then? When put in a corner? When pushed to our limits? When faced with a world or an institution looming over us, how have we responded? Have we submitted to the so-called powers at be, or did we fight the system? Did we look to make a name for ourselves? Did we seek control within the confines of captivity? Life threw a curveball, but don't shoot the messenger.
The mark is what we aim for, but there must be an ultimate target. The whispers of control steady my bow. Outwardly i'm at peace unsheathing the bow from my quiver, while inside the soul shivers, and the destination of the bow remains a mystery. My quest for control has time and time again come back with negative results. The truth of the matter is truly something I can't understand. I can't face any words being given to me if i'm not even willing to listen. This life-altering state is the truest form of life itself, and if we can't handle that, we will continue to seek control and aim in the wrong direction. We are capable of so much. I desperately hope I can release myself from such corrupt belief, and embrace freely the truth that...
It's out of our control.
These words pierce through the most weighted measurements and yet don't satisfy our quench for the this substance of knowledge we abuse as power. The numbers of Pi go on into infinity, and still, we simplify it and use it in terms we can work with (3.14). This infinity not graspable, not obtained, not able to be bottled up and stored for the harsh winter months. As Col. Nathan R. Jessep yells at Lt. Daniel Kaffee in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!". These words might pierce just as the introduction statement tends to if you really stop to reflect upon it. Often times life brings us back to the theme of control. How much we strive for it and keep hitting a wall because we have so little. Control has the appearance of a delectable slice of aged gouda or wedge of brie, and it whispers through the hallways of our rat tunnels, offering a way out of the maze.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't believe in control. Scoffing at others' desperate attempts to hold on to any ounce would be purely hypocritical. Rarely do we access our fullest potential or even understand it unless put through a life-altering situation. The truth is that one could not say with certainty how they would respond to an event if only looking from the outside. Human beings are far too complex and we don't pay our minds enough credit. The layers within in the cranium each have a name and hold a purpose. At the base is our natural instinct which we possess as a means of basic survival. We are capable of full blown imaginations and creations and fantastical things, while at the same time being capable of destruction and violence. I don't believe we can separate the two, saying that some people are bound to be inventors and others are just criminals. No, that's getting off too easy. Each individual's mind has access to a PHD of knowledge with a bachelor's in chaos.
Knowledge and chaos can both be twisted into control, or at least used to create the simulation of control, when in fact the mark itself is never really met. We miss the mark quite often, but not because we have bad aim, it's because we're aiming at the wrong thing. We are focusing on the wrong thing. We hear the whispers of control and it guides us into unspeakable acts, ones of torture and humiliation and anger and revenge. After World War II, young German soldiers were forced by the Allies to remove their own landmines, in an epic display of "power". The various generals in charge went to great lengths to make the soldier's lives a living hell. Humans treating other humans as not human, and for what? The slightest ounce of control? Some skewed belief that we were put in this world to dominate and hold the greatest position? Or maybe we're just interested in a stable position.
In 1971 a Stanford psychologist performed an experiment which aimed to simulate the experience of prison life and how people respond to an institution. The experiment, known as the "The Stanford Prison Experiment", became famous after being shut down prematurely due to things getting out of hand. Twenty-four students were chosen, out of seventy applicants, and were told they would be paid a daily amount to participate in this two week long experiment. Half of them would assume the role as prisoner, while the other half would play the guards. The rules and guidelines were laid out from the beginning, to make sure no one got hurt and that everyone was on the same page, but quickly it became its own beast. The human potential showed its ugly side and unleashed a disturbing six days of chaos, with very little control. Each participant had their own angle with the project. Some of the kids playing guards got so into it that they abused the prisoners, and when pushed into a corner, the 'prisoners' fought back. These kids were thrown into a life-altering situation and the results that followed speak volumes on human nature. That's not to mention the psychologist behind the experiment who let the whole thing take place, even while it slowly got dark. The kids fought for their survival, for their stability, for power, and ultimately for control. Especially once they realized how little control and supervision they had, it escalated into a jungle.
I stated it before, but again, who's to say we wouldn't do the same thing if put in that situation? You can recognize the complexity of this question if it's turned toward your own personal experience. Have you ever been at ends with a co-worker? Have you been in a situation where you felt threatened? Maybe the doctor gave a heart crushing diagnosis. What did you do then? When put in a corner? When pushed to our limits? When faced with a world or an institution looming over us, how have we responded? Have we submitted to the so-called powers at be, or did we fight the system? Did we look to make a name for ourselves? Did we seek control within the confines of captivity? Life threw a curveball, but don't shoot the messenger.
The mark is what we aim for, but there must be an ultimate target. The whispers of control steady my bow. Outwardly i'm at peace unsheathing the bow from my quiver, while inside the soul shivers, and the destination of the bow remains a mystery. My quest for control has time and time again come back with negative results. The truth of the matter is truly something I can't understand. I can't face any words being given to me if i'm not even willing to listen. This life-altering state is the truest form of life itself, and if we can't handle that, we will continue to seek control and aim in the wrong direction. We are capable of so much. I desperately hope I can release myself from such corrupt belief, and embrace freely the truth that...
It's out of our control.
Monday 5 February 2018
Acknowledgement, Labelism, and Good feelings
Let's get the story straight. The one you tell your friends, the one you tell yourself, and the one you're actually living. How different these three stories can be is altogether shocking and intriguing. But as I've witnessed, our culture is great at putting a name to something or "labeling", so why not put that talent to good use. Our daily existence and everyday actions should not only be noted and acknowledged, but also given a name. This should not bring about stress or anxiety, having to note each detail, in fact much the opposite. For when we really sit down and reflect upon what we're doing, we have a better opportunity to enjoy each piece and experience it more fully. I'm afraid life is missed far too often simply because we do not take note.
The beginning of the day is the best place to start. For me, I awake, and acknowledge the blanket wrapped around me and the light peaking through the window. I especially appreciate the blanket in the winter time, and I don't so much hate the light coming in because that means another day has been offered up to us. Typically one of my first thoughts is "Coffee". My morning routine, as perhaps yours does too, involves a sudden reaction to get on my feet to prepare and consume this oddly addictive liquid. If we're labeling, I'd call it my "good feeling". We have lots of these throughout the day, or at least, we have many small things that will set it off. Do I actually require this beverage to function? No. Granted, it can provide a pick me up, but at the end of the day it's just a really "good feeling".
The day of course continues. I consume food at some point which is of some necessity, but even that is not appreciated as it should be. What i'm eating, how i'm eating it, and where the food came from all play important factors in my response. If someone gives me something to eat, i'm extremely grateful, and thus the food is enhanced. If i'm cold, eating a hot bowl of soup feels like i've made the best decision of my life. If it's natural, from the earth, filled with nutrients and sweetness and protein, my taste buds will have a field day. All of these things come together to provide a more full experience. Even as food is consumed on the run, it is providing necessary energy for me to continue.
It comes down to labeling good feelings, truly knowing them for what they are and what they do, and then understanding the cause and effect of life. Put simply, if one thing happens, then that will trigger a whole domino effect of other events down the line. For instance, you eat something 'off'' and all of a sudden get food poisoning. You will inevitably have a difficult next couple of weeks. One thing happened, and because of it, it caused something else to happen. However, cause and effect should not always have such a negative connotation. Cause and Effect is one of the major governing factors in life, and if recognized, can change your perspective on how you're living.
Take the simple question of "how's your day going?". We ask this question all the time, perhaps just out of habit, or maybe to make a discovery. I think asking how someone's day is going is a fantastic practice, along with asking them specifics about their life. You see, not only are you getting an insight into who they are and what they've done, but you're allowing them to recall and make note of their own experiences. In answering how their day went, it is a beautiful smack in the face reminding them they're alive and that today existed. Sure it could just be another day, filled with the usual stuff, but all this begins to get lost if we don't stop to pinpoint it. People are screaming out silently just wanting others to know they exist, which in a world of billions of people, is all too confusing. It obviously goes deeper and gets into our conscious and soul. We experience things at the core of our being, so we must somehow be in touch with that to access all of our own thoughts and memories. In this way we can fully experience everything.
Experiencing everything might be very overwhelming. But I think we must acknowledge the good and the bad, because there is so much to gain from both. We must acknowledge the joy of traveling with friends just as much as we note our own depression. If we are not open to learn from each experience, our growth will be stunted. David Foster Wallace said that "true freedom means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience". This belief allows us an open space for which we can not only develop thoughts, but align them where we can gather data and go back to it when necessary to help advance our understanding of the meaning of life.
We take pictures constantly wanting to remember a certain time, or remember how we looked, or to pass on to others. This idea is no different from that. We're taking note of something and whether we physically look back on it or not, it is lodged within our conscious records and will more easily be an event we will remember, one that had significance. One picture could take your mind spiraling into an entire season of your life, it's that powerful. Just as I believe the power of music can jumpstart your emotions and help you get more in touch with the depth of your soul. It must not be downplayed how important all these actions are of taking note. We are experiencing things on a daily basis and if nothing else, let's call things what they are. If it's coffee in the morning, enjoy it for that 'good feeling' and may it enhance your day. It's not always some major life event, it can be small things that together make a profound difference in knowing yourself and what you truly enjoy.
Acknowledgement should extend beyond self. As much as it will help you get in touch with your inner being, it can also help you get in touch with the world and beyond, into the great expanse of mystery and spirituality. Therefore, acknowledging our political climate and the ramifications of passing certain bills, can be just as important. Not just noting the effect it will have on yourself, but understanding the impact globally. Once again reminding ourselves that one action will inevitably lead to another action, and we have a responsibility in all of this chaos. Or at least, after my short period of living, i've come to a belief that we are responsible for our actions and cannot disassociate with the actions of the culture around us. But again, this isn't what I would call a bleak outlook, for if we are truly a part of something larger than ourselves we have the gift of living purposeful lives beyond our own understanding. This is where is can become grey. The unknown, like everything else, should be given the appropriate label. There is much we don't understand and shouldn't pretend to, but at the same time we shouldn't write it off.
Give time and focus for all of these fragments, these segments, moments, experiences, especially parts of life you can't put your finger on. Is this not where beauty and richness is cultivated? Is this not the natural good feelings of life that can't be missed? The speed of life is in direct correlation with your footing, your base, and whether your are constantly taking a step back. Label life as a beautiful mystery, one full of joy and misery, and never-ending experiences. Acknowledge your body, your soul, your surroundings, your progress, and the world outside your window. The sun peaks through the window reminding me once again another day has been offered up.
The beginning of the day is the best place to start. For me, I awake, and acknowledge the blanket wrapped around me and the light peaking through the window. I especially appreciate the blanket in the winter time, and I don't so much hate the light coming in because that means another day has been offered up to us. Typically one of my first thoughts is "Coffee". My morning routine, as perhaps yours does too, involves a sudden reaction to get on my feet to prepare and consume this oddly addictive liquid. If we're labeling, I'd call it my "good feeling". We have lots of these throughout the day, or at least, we have many small things that will set it off. Do I actually require this beverage to function? No. Granted, it can provide a pick me up, but at the end of the day it's just a really "good feeling".
The day of course continues. I consume food at some point which is of some necessity, but even that is not appreciated as it should be. What i'm eating, how i'm eating it, and where the food came from all play important factors in my response. If someone gives me something to eat, i'm extremely grateful, and thus the food is enhanced. If i'm cold, eating a hot bowl of soup feels like i've made the best decision of my life. If it's natural, from the earth, filled with nutrients and sweetness and protein, my taste buds will have a field day. All of these things come together to provide a more full experience. Even as food is consumed on the run, it is providing necessary energy for me to continue.
It comes down to labeling good feelings, truly knowing them for what they are and what they do, and then understanding the cause and effect of life. Put simply, if one thing happens, then that will trigger a whole domino effect of other events down the line. For instance, you eat something 'off'' and all of a sudden get food poisoning. You will inevitably have a difficult next couple of weeks. One thing happened, and because of it, it caused something else to happen. However, cause and effect should not always have such a negative connotation. Cause and Effect is one of the major governing factors in life, and if recognized, can change your perspective on how you're living.
Take the simple question of "how's your day going?". We ask this question all the time, perhaps just out of habit, or maybe to make a discovery. I think asking how someone's day is going is a fantastic practice, along with asking them specifics about their life. You see, not only are you getting an insight into who they are and what they've done, but you're allowing them to recall and make note of their own experiences. In answering how their day went, it is a beautiful smack in the face reminding them they're alive and that today existed. Sure it could just be another day, filled with the usual stuff, but all this begins to get lost if we don't stop to pinpoint it. People are screaming out silently just wanting others to know they exist, which in a world of billions of people, is all too confusing. It obviously goes deeper and gets into our conscious and soul. We experience things at the core of our being, so we must somehow be in touch with that to access all of our own thoughts and memories. In this way we can fully experience everything.
Experiencing everything might be very overwhelming. But I think we must acknowledge the good and the bad, because there is so much to gain from both. We must acknowledge the joy of traveling with friends just as much as we note our own depression. If we are not open to learn from each experience, our growth will be stunted. David Foster Wallace said that "true freedom means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience". This belief allows us an open space for which we can not only develop thoughts, but align them where we can gather data and go back to it when necessary to help advance our understanding of the meaning of life.
We take pictures constantly wanting to remember a certain time, or remember how we looked, or to pass on to others. This idea is no different from that. We're taking note of something and whether we physically look back on it or not, it is lodged within our conscious records and will more easily be an event we will remember, one that had significance. One picture could take your mind spiraling into an entire season of your life, it's that powerful. Just as I believe the power of music can jumpstart your emotions and help you get more in touch with the depth of your soul. It must not be downplayed how important all these actions are of taking note. We are experiencing things on a daily basis and if nothing else, let's call things what they are. If it's coffee in the morning, enjoy it for that 'good feeling' and may it enhance your day. It's not always some major life event, it can be small things that together make a profound difference in knowing yourself and what you truly enjoy.
Acknowledgement should extend beyond self. As much as it will help you get in touch with your inner being, it can also help you get in touch with the world and beyond, into the great expanse of mystery and spirituality. Therefore, acknowledging our political climate and the ramifications of passing certain bills, can be just as important. Not just noting the effect it will have on yourself, but understanding the impact globally. Once again reminding ourselves that one action will inevitably lead to another action, and we have a responsibility in all of this chaos. Or at least, after my short period of living, i've come to a belief that we are responsible for our actions and cannot disassociate with the actions of the culture around us. But again, this isn't what I would call a bleak outlook, for if we are truly a part of something larger than ourselves we have the gift of living purposeful lives beyond our own understanding. This is where is can become grey. The unknown, like everything else, should be given the appropriate label. There is much we don't understand and shouldn't pretend to, but at the same time we shouldn't write it off.
Give time and focus for all of these fragments, these segments, moments, experiences, especially parts of life you can't put your finger on. Is this not where beauty and richness is cultivated? Is this not the natural good feelings of life that can't be missed? The speed of life is in direct correlation with your footing, your base, and whether your are constantly taking a step back. Label life as a beautiful mystery, one full of joy and misery, and never-ending experiences. Acknowledge your body, your soul, your surroundings, your progress, and the world outside your window. The sun peaks through the window reminding me once again another day has been offered up.
Monday 8 January 2018
SICK
I was reunited with the old two lane highway that I have come to know and love so well. Maria felt the wind in her hair and just today got one of the most glorious showers ever. Rain isn't a word in the California dictionary you see. We've suffered a great deal, Maria and I, because of this. The air is dry. My nose didn't remember what clean air smelled like. My mouth had the taste of blood. The street cleaning was put off far too often and the dirt of life had been accumulating right along with it. It was time to wash my hands. The truth is, i've been in a dark place for months now, and i'm seeking refuge. I'm eager to once again become healthy and active like a regular human again.
Even as I write this my body and head are having fits. I've been to countless walk-in clinics, taken so many drugs, gotten countless tests, all the while being without insurance and stressing over every little thing. I was terrified and concerned for my health which continued to be in decline with no sign of getting better. It was lonely and scary being in a place where no one had a definitive answer of what was wrong, and just trying to survive. Most days I hoped I could just make it to the end and go to sleep, which was the only space I could find rest. Otherwise, life went by in the most depressing fashion, with nothing to show for except pain and anxiety, and no motivation of any sort remained. I lost interest in just about everything. I cut almost all food and drink and was forced to live on an extremely bland diet mostly consisting of bread. I became weak and tired on a regular basis and ended up pushing myself to a place of malnutrition.
This all happened over the course of a couple of months. I got some simple sickness at the end of September and then nothing was really the same after that. Everything became cloudy and it's hard to say exactly what happened, except for a terrible feeling that was foreign to me. With a whole mix of symptoms including trouble breathing, not being able to eat, dizziness, stomach pain, easily getting cold, and many other issues. Some things were in my head, and some of my responses to my sickness weren't the best, or more so how I tried to remedy it I suppose. I know very little, and I'm continually reminded that I have so much to freaking learn. The simple lesson of something taking TIME, well, that wasn't message I had patience for. As un-productive as these last couple months have felt, I can look back and see many positives that came from the sickness. It was an extreme wake up call, and continues to be so to this day.
Ah yes, this day, as I was saying. It rained today, in Alabama, which is where I surprisingly ended up. Actually, it was a big surprise for my mother who was not made aware of my adventure plans to drive across country to see her. Twenty-Eight hours I banged out in a few days and voila, like magic, I arrived at my destination. Although, I believe I began arriving before I even left. Seeing my family in person was certainly a key factor, but also coming back to being myself, which has been an extremely slow journey. But over the Christmas break I spent much time with a friend of mine who helped bring me back to life and get the blood flowing again. She and I were stuck with nothing to do and no one to be with over the holidays, and so we found refuge in being in the same boat. Because of this, I had quite the memorable Christmas and New Year, even amongst all the sickness and chaos. I moved out of the little one-room apartment and began to clear my head of all the dust.
I can honestly say I feel so much better, but at the same time, not everything has gone back to normal. Maybe it never will, I'm not exactly sure. But what is for sure is that I am more than ever interested in investing in relationships. We must help each other through these times or I believe we will wither away. For me I gained new relationships, but at the same time I began reflecting and appreciating all of the AMAZING friendships and family I already have. Sure they're spread all over the world, but they're there. I feel their love and support in my life on a daily basis. At some moments of complete weakness, someone's voice on the other line was what I needed to hear to keep going. And isn't it that simple sometimes? People just being THERE. We worry about saying the right things and supporting someone, but why not just be present with someone and I believe you can sort the rest out from there. I know I couldn't have survived without the people I have in my life.
As I say this, there are people in far worse conditions than myself, and they are truly withering away. Whether it's a sickness, a loneliness, an addiction, a broken family, or perhaps a lack of food and shelter. We are all silently screaming out in our own way. I just hope we can be more honest with each other for one, and I hope that we can start listening and helping one another. Quite frankly i'm tired of it, of being independent and being a part of a culture that is so disconnected. I don't know how much good our bodies are if we have no heartbeat. Everything slowly ceases to function and what's left is an empty shell. Please, if you're reading this, don't wither away and don't resort to the dark places. I'm here if you want to talk. No one deserves to deal with things completely on their own.
I hope we can open ourselves up more. In this way I believe the pain won't be so severe. The pain will still be there, and I don't believe there is a magical formula for removing that, in fact, it appears to play an important role. But at the same time, we need help, and what a great feeling to be able to lift one another up. To throw away all stereotypes and all the shit and all the superficial crap and the pride and everything else and look someone in the eye and say "I'm here". (I love you)
*please don't freak out over my depressing beginning detailing my difficulties. Things have become much better and i'm in a better place (sounds like I died haha). But seriously, i'm just grateful for all the support and I share this personal story only to provide hope for people and to be more honest about my life struggles.
Even as I write this my body and head are having fits. I've been to countless walk-in clinics, taken so many drugs, gotten countless tests, all the while being without insurance and stressing over every little thing. I was terrified and concerned for my health which continued to be in decline with no sign of getting better. It was lonely and scary being in a place where no one had a definitive answer of what was wrong, and just trying to survive. Most days I hoped I could just make it to the end and go to sleep, which was the only space I could find rest. Otherwise, life went by in the most depressing fashion, with nothing to show for except pain and anxiety, and no motivation of any sort remained. I lost interest in just about everything. I cut almost all food and drink and was forced to live on an extremely bland diet mostly consisting of bread. I became weak and tired on a regular basis and ended up pushing myself to a place of malnutrition.
This all happened over the course of a couple of months. I got some simple sickness at the end of September and then nothing was really the same after that. Everything became cloudy and it's hard to say exactly what happened, except for a terrible feeling that was foreign to me. With a whole mix of symptoms including trouble breathing, not being able to eat, dizziness, stomach pain, easily getting cold, and many other issues. Some things were in my head, and some of my responses to my sickness weren't the best, or more so how I tried to remedy it I suppose. I know very little, and I'm continually reminded that I have so much to freaking learn. The simple lesson of something taking TIME, well, that wasn't message I had patience for. As un-productive as these last couple months have felt, I can look back and see many positives that came from the sickness. It was an extreme wake up call, and continues to be so to this day.
Ah yes, this day, as I was saying. It rained today, in Alabama, which is where I surprisingly ended up. Actually, it was a big surprise for my mother who was not made aware of my adventure plans to drive across country to see her. Twenty-Eight hours I banged out in a few days and voila, like magic, I arrived at my destination. Although, I believe I began arriving before I even left. Seeing my family in person was certainly a key factor, but also coming back to being myself, which has been an extremely slow journey. But over the Christmas break I spent much time with a friend of mine who helped bring me back to life and get the blood flowing again. She and I were stuck with nothing to do and no one to be with over the holidays, and so we found refuge in being in the same boat. Because of this, I had quite the memorable Christmas and New Year, even amongst all the sickness and chaos. I moved out of the little one-room apartment and began to clear my head of all the dust.
I can honestly say I feel so much better, but at the same time, not everything has gone back to normal. Maybe it never will, I'm not exactly sure. But what is for sure is that I am more than ever interested in investing in relationships. We must help each other through these times or I believe we will wither away. For me I gained new relationships, but at the same time I began reflecting and appreciating all of the AMAZING friendships and family I already have. Sure they're spread all over the world, but they're there. I feel their love and support in my life on a daily basis. At some moments of complete weakness, someone's voice on the other line was what I needed to hear to keep going. And isn't it that simple sometimes? People just being THERE. We worry about saying the right things and supporting someone, but why not just be present with someone and I believe you can sort the rest out from there. I know I couldn't have survived without the people I have in my life.
As I say this, there are people in far worse conditions than myself, and they are truly withering away. Whether it's a sickness, a loneliness, an addiction, a broken family, or perhaps a lack of food and shelter. We are all silently screaming out in our own way. I just hope we can be more honest with each other for one, and I hope that we can start listening and helping one another. Quite frankly i'm tired of it, of being independent and being a part of a culture that is so disconnected. I don't know how much good our bodies are if we have no heartbeat. Everything slowly ceases to function and what's left is an empty shell. Please, if you're reading this, don't wither away and don't resort to the dark places. I'm here if you want to talk. No one deserves to deal with things completely on their own.
I hope we can open ourselves up more. In this way I believe the pain won't be so severe. The pain will still be there, and I don't believe there is a magical formula for removing that, in fact, it appears to play an important role. But at the same time, we need help, and what a great feeling to be able to lift one another up. To throw away all stereotypes and all the shit and all the superficial crap and the pride and everything else and look someone in the eye and say "I'm here". (I love you)
*please don't freak out over my depressing beginning detailing my difficulties. Things have become much better and i'm in a better place (sounds like I died haha). But seriously, i'm just grateful for all the support and I share this personal story only to provide hope for people and to be more honest about my life struggles.
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