A Search For God

How on earth have we come to be in this black and white world? How have we lasted this long with a bitter taste in our mouth from all the modified crap served to us? From the government on down we are corrupt and we abuse and we know not what we say. This isn't a new concept or idea, it's the truth that never gets old. Sheer hypocrisy, a spitting of words to form a sentence that comes out as gibberish even to our own ears if we considered it. For a moment, take a moment, and think about the words that come out of your mouth on a daily basis. What are we doing with ourselves? Are we regurgitating words we've heard before? Well sure, we must go off something. The dictionary provides us with a helpful description allowing us to piece things together. What exactly is the meaning of all these words?

 Where are all these questions coming from you might ask? Fair question. At the same time, do you not also become overwhelmed with things or thoughts that have no apparent origin? Perhaps it has been stuck in our subconscious and we didn't realize it, or perhaps there's more players in this game of life than we previously considered. This, my friend, is where the search for God begins. How did I come to this conclusion? Not easily. In fact, it takes a deep sickness to put me in a position where i'm at a loss for words. It takes a skipping of my heartbeat to even consider something so crazy. The status quo comes right from the dictionary and all of our 'clever' catchphrases. Do we speak because we have something to say or to fill the void? Here, the void should not be seen as a morbid idea but one of hope and possibility. Only in this void, in this misstep, in this breath outside of an air-conditioned society do we have a chance at capturing something beautiful.

Beauty described as something that pleases the senses or mind aesthetically. It's my belief though, that words like this are not learned from an educational book, but instead from your loving mother. The flesh and blood of the matter is before us, holding our hand in this filthy mess. Your mother, your experiences, your thoughts; these things all make up this thing we know as life. There's so much more though. Be my guest trying to describe the word pain to a man lying on the sidewalk hiding from the sunlight, clutching his heart, wishing he could be filled with life. We shouldn't act like it's a simple definition, and we must not misunderstand this pain either. Look at a building being constructed and appreciate the endless hours of labor that went into creating something amazing. We too can be amazing if we appreciate THIS labor, this pain, here and now. Tears flow and lights are low as I write these words I desperately want to believe for myself.

Maybe that's what we say on a daily basis, words we aren't sure the validity of but really hope to be true. That's a bit of faith I suppose, a relying on something not clearly defined, a thought that arose from an unknown origin. God is that unknown origin. He is the void. He has already written the sentence that I keep trying to scribble out myself. I speak like I know God, but trust me, I have no idea. In fact, God almost feels like a new concept to me. But of course, like truth, it's nothing new and never gets old. My lonely bones are scraping against these four walls, these definitions, and these pre-packaged lives offered to us. I believe my words mean something. I believe your words mean something. I believe they always have, but sometimes I don't pay merit where merit is due. I don't appreciate the pain or the process of how we take one step to the next.

I must confess i'm an infant. My mother keeps teaching me new words, the most recent being 'prayer'. She said she has half of her city praying for me. And you know what, I believe her. I also believe that I need it. It's not just something nice to say to someone. These are words that go beyond filling the void, they help add color to this black and white world we're trying to survive in. Please hold my hand and don't let go, for I am in desperate need of help. I must confess this post has been written during an extended period of sickness and heavy prescription drug usage, but don't let that taint the message, the process. I ask again, how on earth have we come to be in this black and white world? How do we survive? We seek color and search for God.



*This attempt at making such a profound statement feels feeble, but like a river these words flow and I want them to be true. Take the words knowing they come from someone who knows very little, and someone that is just as lost as the next guy.